Saturday, February 5, 2011

promise the stars

we all face dissapointments in our lives. i know that i can make up a long list of everything that i regret or the things that dissapoint me. but, what happens when you wake up one morning and you realize that you were a dissapointment to someone? that you've hurt someone so much that they don't want you in their life anymore. there's so many things that i regret, that i wish that i could take back. honest to God, if i could start all over i would. i've realized that sometimes, you're going to end up dissapointing someone. again, i could make a list of people that i wish i could write an 1,000 page apology letter to. including people in my own family. i know i've dissapointed many people in my life. my father being one of them. i wish that i knew all i know now 4 years ago. maybe things would've turned out different, but yet again, maybe they wouldn't. who knows right? i realize that no one really reads this, and that i'm pretty much just speaking to myself right now. but i guess that's what a blog is for right? venting? i don't even know anymore. i wish i could change things that happened last year, but everyone knows the past is your past, and you have to focus on what's in front of you. my problem, however, is that i don't know what to do anymore. i keep thinking about the past because i'm trying to fix the problems i've created. i hate hurting people, it sucks. the feeling that someone is hurting...and it's because of you? to me, thats the worst feeling in the world. i know i've been forgiven by certain people, but i dont think i'm ever going to forget what i made some people feel. again, especially my dad. i've probably cried myself to sleep too many nights over all of this, because all i keep thinking about is what could've been, or what could've happened if i didnt do a certain thing. i try, i really do, i just want to be nice to people. i dont want people to grow up, and think back and think of me as some horrible person that they regret talking to. i wish i could apologize to anyone i've ever hurt. it doesn't matter that they won't be reading this, im just venting. many people don't know how many things have happened to me this past year, and to be honest i wouldnt change that because then comes the pity. i dont want people feeling sorry for me when i know i dont deserve it. i wish i could apologize for all the times i've complained about something, especially taking care of nanny. she can't help it, and shes not in the best condition right now. the thing that i really wanted, what i was thinking about the other day, is that i wanted her to see me graduate high school. she's the only grandparent i have left, but i remind myself that i'm one of the lucky ones. at least i have amazing people in my life, right? some people cant even say that. i know i'm bouncing all over the place with this. and to be honest, i dont know the point of it. this has all been going on through my head for the past couple weeks, and i needed to get it off my chest. i'm sorry to anyone who i've ever hurt or dissapointed. i've never wanted to do anything like that-that's one of my biggest fears. hurting someone that's in my life; family or friends. if i could, i would take everything i've ever done wrong back...but who doesnt right? if you had a second chance at everything, would you change anything? i know it's stupid to care about what other people think because the only person who should be judging you is yourself. and i'm the biggest culprit of this, because i don't believe it myself. i definately think that i care too much about what other people think about me. even though i could probably guess what people think about me anyways. i feel horrible about everything that i've done, but i know many people have regrets. that's life-you cant control what happens, and you cant go back in the past and change anything. i hope that the people i've ever hurt or dissapointed at one point in my life or another, eventually forgive me. that's all i really want, to be forgiven. it hurts me to think that i've ever done anything to hurt or dissapoint someone. all my life i promised myself that i wouldnt become a bitch, or act like one. i promised myself that no matter what happens, i would always try to be nice to the people who talk to me or the ones that are in my life. friends, family, aquaintances, whoever. many people hate it when other people break their promises, but sometimes its the ones you promise yourself that you hate the most. i promise i'm gonna shut up now. the main thing that i want to say, and the whole point to this stupid vent is to say i'm sorry. i sit here and type this to myself, i'm sorry to everyone, anyone, who i've done wrong to. if i ever upset someone, made them mad, dissapointed, whatever. i just want them to know i'm sorry. no one is gonna read this, so no one is going to know that i'm apologizing. but like i said, it's just a stupid vent, and no one really reads this anyways.

1 comment:

  1. I readddddddd! And ur not a bad person at allll. Loveeeyouuubfsk<3