Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Definition of [Love]

"Love is a funny thing. You expect it to be easy. You expect it to be a world of roses and laughs and perfect moments that you find only in movies. You expect her to always say the right thing, and always know exactly how you feel, or exactly how to react to it. You expect her to calm you down when you're yelling or to chase you when you run away. You expect so much that you feel entirely, and utterly defeated when something doesn't exactly match up with all your plans. but that's the thing. Love isn't a plan. It doesn't have a certain beginning and it certainly has no end or visible finish line to those deeply in it.
Love happens; it is so incredibly messy. People around you can't comprehend why you do the things you do, or why you fight so hard for something that seems to cause you so much pain, because simply, they can't see. They can't see the invisible ring of insanity that surrounds you when you're in love. It's inconvenient and painful and devastating at times, but we can't live without it. What you don't learn is how hard love is. How much work it takes. How much of ourselves we have to put into it. How it isn't worth it until we are complete and utter idiots about it.
Love isn't her calming you down when you yell. It's her yelling, just as loud, just as hard, right back at you, right in your face to wake you up and to keep you grounded. It isn't her/him bringing you roses everyday or cute things that make your relationship appear more presentable.
It's after a long fight, that drains the life and bones right out of you both, and yet her showing up at your door the next morning anyway. It's not her saying all the right things or knowing exactly how to handle you. So no, it's not her caressing your hair and telling you everything is going to be alright. It's her standing there, admitting she's just as scared as you are. You have to remember that with love, you're not the only one involved. You've unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, here. Do what you will. Mash it into a million pieves. Mash it into meat. Or forget I ever handed it to you. As long as you have it.
It makes us crazy. It makes reality invisible and it erases all the lines that we shouldn't cross. Because love isn't about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future. It's about scaring the shit out of every nerve in our body, but pushing forward anyway. Becausae all the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty is worth it. And it's a hell of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling 'happy' and feeling whole."
---Andrew Landon

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

a poem i fell in love with

Her hair was up in a pony tail, her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school, and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand, if she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid; she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in back, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, anxious at their seats.
One by one the teacher called a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't there.
'Where is her daddy at?' She heard a boy call out.
'She probably doesn't have one,' another student dared to shout.
And from somehwere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
'Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day.'

The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at the teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.

'My daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy, and how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride a bike.
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart.
I know because he told me, he'll forever be in my heart.'

With that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere there in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love, of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft, but its message clear and loud.

'I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.
You see he is a Marine and died just this past year,
He was injured in Iraq, fighting so America would not fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away.'
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.

And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise.
A room full of daddies and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him at her side.

'I know you're with me Daddy,' to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers, of those once filled doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing, that heaven is never too far.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

april fools...

Ok, people really, really REALLY need to mind there own f***ing business. I am completely sick of people butting into my life, giving me their opinion on something thats going on in my life. not theirs..MINE. and i get it, your trying to help. but the truth is...well your not. im also sick of people taking advantage of me because im vulnerable, or i dont stick up for myself, or the fact that they know i wont say anything directly to their face. because im not the kind of person. i dont like to start trouble, so im not going to say this to your face. i guess this is the whole point of a blog right? to vent about your problems? well here ya go. im not going to sit here and tell you my whole life story because then you will be here ALL day, and probably feel sorry for me. which is exactly what i dont want. i dont like all the attention centered on me. im not writing this for attention, and i dont care who reads this. this is just a vent. ive felt this way for a long time so its not something that just happened to me. so if your reading this, its not about you-dont sweat it. my situation with my parents, and what people know and what they feel. i HATE it when people make judgements on what they see on the outside. they see a single mom with two kids, and then the father who asked for the divorce, and is automatically the bad guy. and then they see, wait what? the girlfriend. yes my dad moved on, and no, she is not the reason for the divorce. and for your information, she is so important to me, more than anyone-including her- will ever know. and i cant even invite them to my party. which i am totally fine with, and i understand. and i hate it when people are telling me that my father should suck it up, and come see me. well if u say that, then u probably dont know crap about our situation. which brings me to where i started with this blog/vent....i hate it when people butt into situations, where they have absolutely no business in. it not only pisses me off, but it pisses my dad and donna off as well. the truth is, to anyone whos reading this, even if they did come what difference would it make. really? i mean think about it. i can give you one huge difference that wouldnt affect anyone else at the party-well except for me. i would feel completely torn. "which side of the room do i go to first? do i say hi to them last? are they mad at me for not paying enough attention to them?" and so many other things would run through my head. plus, does anyone ever think about how they would feel? i mean, c'mon! where the hell would i put them? oh table for two in the corner! where everyone can point and stare and make their stupid judgements. im not going to put them in that situation....absolutely not. and when people say, "why doesnt he just come to see you?" or "why cant he just suck it up for one day? whats he gonna do when you get married?" well guess what, he will suck it up for the day i get married. but chances are, none of us are going to remember our friends' sweet 16s unless we're on MTV. and the ONLY reason why people say that to me, know that i wont say anything, talk back or defend myself. their taking advantage of me and i gotta say, im not really liking it. i can only take so much until i finally just explode. so heres a question. why cant people just mind their own business? because odds are, if someone did that to you, you wouldnt be too happy with that person. now would you?
p.s-whoevers reading this, it is NOT about you so dont think that. this my own vent, dont think anything of it.