Thursday, December 1, 2011

December 1st...really?

I woke up today coughing and freezing, running a fever. I walked into my moms room, ready to go to school and she told me to go back to bed. Reluctantly, I went back to sleep, upset that I was missing another day of school. I fell asleep easily, and I woke up the same way I woke up at 6:30 this morning; sick and cold. I looked at my phone, saw messages from Brian, and then I realized the date…December 1, 2011. I sat there and stared at the screen, not being able to believe that not only was it December already, but two months had gone by. Two months ago I lost not only my grandmother, but I lost my best friend. It’s amazing how much time has gone by without her, it’s even more amazing that i’m still in one piece (sorta). I started to cry after I realized what today meant to me. I still can’t believe it. I still haven’t even accepted the fact that she’s gone forever…and in reality it’s only been two months. I know that she was in pain, and she was tired because she really did put up a long battle. She lived longer than many people even thought. We called her the “energizer bunny.” Why? because every single time the doctors thought that the next sickness would kill her, she sprung back up again. She just kept on going and going, and it still amazes me to this day…how much of a fighter my Nanny really was. On October 1st, 2011, I lost my best friend. It felt like a piece of my heart was missing and that the only way to fulfil that hole..was if i got to see her one last time. that possible? Nope. But everyday I think of what I would have told her if I got to say good bye one last time. Not only would I tell her how much I would miss her, but I would tell her how amazing a person she is. How much of a fighter she has been these past nine years….and most of all how much I loved her, and how much she meant to me. I would also tell her how much her smile brightened my day…how it brightened everyones day. I pray everyday that she can hear me, that she can see what I write down on paper and on here. She was someone that you were lucky not only to have her in your life, but just to know her. I still expect Nanny to be sitting in the hospital room or in a rehab center…but that’s selfish of me…right? I don’t mean to be, I swear I don’t. But when you lose someone you love so much…how can you say goodbye? I didn’t even have a chance to say good bye. I would give anything just to see her, to talk to her, and to kiss her forehead just one last time. To tell her how thankful I am to have the honor to have taken care of her for the past nine years. To apologize when I had an attitude, or not physically or mentally strong enough to help her. No matter how many times Nanny fell down, no matter how many times she was admitted to the hospital, she always put up the best fight she could. I know that she tried her hardest that night, but I know she’s at peace and is resting easily with her husband and family. I miss her so much it hurts, I cry everyday looking at all the pictures that surround my room in frames. I still can’t believe she’s gone forever. I still can’t believe that she won’t be there to watch me get married, or to see me graduate high school. I won’t be able to run to her in excitement telling her I got accepted to a college. The last thing that Nanny had told me, well indirectly, was on September 26th, the day I got my license, my mom asked her what she wanted to say to me. My mother expected her to say, “tell her congratulations!” You know what she said instead? “Tell her I love her.” That’s going to stick with me for the rest of my life. I blame myself for not going one more time, I blame myself for not being strong enough to take care of her. As the knot in my throat starts to form now, I know that I did all I could do for her. I know that Nanny is in heaven, and she’s my guardian angel now. I’m sure of it. I know she’ll watch over me and protect me. She’ll point me in the right direction. I love her so much, the holidays won’t be the same ever again. If anyone even took the time out to read this, let me just tell you one thing. Don’t hide your feelings from the ones you love, always say I love you or spend time with them and just talk. Because you may know what you have now, but you’ll never know what you truly had…until they’re gone.

Rest in Peace my Energizer Bunny.
June 04, 1927 - October 1, 2011

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