Phil: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don't, but do me a favor: don't text me, it's gay.
Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
Phil: Paging Dr. Faggot. Dr. Faggot!
Stu: I should go.
Melissa: That's a good idea, Dr. Faggot.
Alan: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan: Are you okay?
Melissa: Suck my dick!
Alan: No thank you.
What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're shit out of luck.
Phil: You're not really wearing that are you?
Alan: Wearing what?
Phil: The man purse. You actually gonna wear that or are you just fuckin' with me?
Alan: It's where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Alan: Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
Alan: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack... it grew by one. So there... there were two of us in the wolf pack... I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, "Wait a second, could it be?" And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!
Alan: Can I ask you another question?
Alan: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Alan: I didn't think so
Officer Franklin: Not you, fat Jesus.
Alan: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man, because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ruh-tard.
Stu: A what?
Alan: He was a ruh-tard.
Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you.
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What's his name?
Alan: Your language is offensive.
Alan: Hey you guys ready to let the dogs out?
Alan: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died.
Phil: How'd he die?
Alan: World War II.
Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: No, he was skiing in Vermont, it was just during World War II.
Alan: Did you have to park so close?
Doug: Yeah, what's wrong?
Alan: I shouldn't be here.
Doug: Why is that, Alan?
Alan: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school... or a Chuck E. Cheese.
Alan: I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust
Mr Chow: Soo long gay boys
Alan: is this hotel beeper friendly?
Stu: I MARRIED A WHORE!
Alan: Hey! Don't say that! She's a nice lady
Phil: Alan , Can you please put some pants on ? I find it weird that I have to ask twice .
Phil: God damnnit!
Alan: Gosh darn it!
Alan: Not at the table Carlos!
Phil: Who's fucking baby is that?
Stu: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?
Alan: Yeah, i checked all the rooms and no one's in there...check its collar or something.
Stu: don't let the beard fool you, he's a child!
lmao best movie ever! <3>